This life is not a dress rehearsal.

I have time.

For the first time, in a long time, I have time.

Oh how I've dreamt about it, longed for it, pined for it and cried over it these past 12 months, amidst getting cranky that Woolworths closes at 10pm (WHEN WILL I DO THE FOOD SHOPPING?!), listening to lectures whilst stirring pots on the stove, and saying, "yes, let's skype! how are you placed in 3 weeks?"

I like being busy, and make myself intentionally so. For one, I can't say "no". I even had to extend my bed time by half an hour at some point last year, because I simply had too many things to do, and too little time to do them. I'm up before 6, in bed by 11, and in between those book ends I crammed full time senior year of university, anywhere between three and twelve jobs at a time, an Ambassadorship; including the writing and presentation of many talks and blogs, plus a month in Africa, new home duties, including washing, shopping and cooking, leading youth group, attending Bible study, getting my assignments done, studying for exams, leading camp, going to church, studying internationally and going insane.

Impressive ha? 

I fear not. In fact, I know not. Busyness, and productivity is simply what I use to mask anything else. Anything else, and everything else, being a re-assesment of my priorities and the discovery of who I am without all that.. that. 

And the answer isn't pretty. 

Let's just say I'm not handling this time very well, and much of it is being spent curled up under blankets watching seasons of Community, or refreshing gumtree.com on a minute by minute basis, applying for at least five jobs an hour. MAKE ME BUSY! I yell at the world, I AM.. bored? lonely?

Struggling with a season of quiet. 

I've updated my about, scribbled some ideas for a book, bought some books, began to read again, cleaned my room, watched movies, played cards and even just now; sat outside out with a blanket on the lawn. 

I'm not a good steward of my time, I need to change that. New resolution.

There is a lot in this broken, hurting world to be done. And I have the time to do something about it. Starting with my own heart, and working my way outward, it's time.

For me, it's time to stop complaining, be a joy, and exercise my wisdom. 

Some more resolutions:

- Perfect my posture

- Learn everything you can about joy

- Never text while driving

- Make jam from scratch

- Finally embrace the fact that I do, in fact, have curly hair

- Trust

Earths crammed with heaven,

And every common bush afire with God,

But only he who sees takes off his shoes;

The rest sit around it and pluck blackberries.

- Elizabeth Barret Browning

And here’s to some random recent phone photos:

from cleaning up the crap in my room.
I totally forgot I used to draw.
as in actually forgot.
Maybe 10 years ago?

so turns out my year 7 self was a prophetess.
weird ha.

also discovered this little wonder.
possibly the most hideous thing ever?
I like it.

This is my "EMPLOY ME PLEASE" outfit.
thus far unsuccessful.

Also found this in my clean up.
not recent, still true.

had some victory with my US visa today.
Bought this for my bed in celebration.
(I didn't .. by the way..)

Mm Saturday.

(who am I kidding I'm unemployed.. every day is Saturday!)

from where I write today.

"a heart that loves is always young"

blog. coffee. breakfast. perfection.